The problem with social networks is....

I have a love/hate relationship with social networks.  

I love them because they do help me stay connected with people I like and find support for rare things like a child with an Omphalocele.  Support groups and shared stories have made the difference for so many people out there. 

I really, truly hate social networks because they become a popularity contest for many people. Or even better, they become an unhealthy outlet for terribly unhappy people, who feel the need to say ugly and hurtful things in order to get a reaction. 

Unfortunately, these two collide more than they should. 

I can't help but imagine a day in the life of someone who puts so much effort into APPEARING perfect and put together all the time, or at least for their friends on Facebook. It boggles my mind the energy they invest in getting JUST the right photo posted of their kids (carefully groomed, posed and consequently unhappy) , or their home (seriously did you put those flowers in the glass vase out just for that photo, because I can't imagine a small child leaving that alone), or a video their pets doing something that took HOURS to teach. 

Consider my brain boggled. 

Because I am so terribly imperfect. I'm not going to represent myself as otherwise. 

Through the years I've been criticized for being a little too honest at times- I just can't shake this bad habit.  

My house is an utter mess, no makeup has graced my face in weeks, a tank top, flip flops and maternity pants qualify as "getting dressed", and my child doesn't even understand the notion of "posing". 

I'm cool with that.  Because what's more important?  Spending hours on the appearance of having everything put together, or investing that time in being a parent? 

It's a tough job to do, but the benefits are pretty awesome when you take the time for them. 

Two weeks later...

Now that we are halfway into our first week home without assistance (my mother helped out all last week) , I feel like I can update again.  

Wow, it's AH-Mazing having a newborn home with us.... This is probably helped by the fact that Kayla is a champion sleeper, sleeping amazingly well for a newborn. And what a contrast! I was so terribly miserable and sleep deprived for the last few months, my doctor immediately noticed a difference in me at our two week postpartum checkup yesterday.  How ironic that I get more sleep after the baby has arrived than I did before.

It has been emotional for me holding this tiny little baby next to me almost every hour if the day- it has gone a long way to healing so many of the emotional scars left from Evan's first few months.  I've done everything I could since he was born to be everything I could possibly be to him. I took on his care with a fierce determination to have a good rapport with him, to let him know he was loved and to care for him as we'll as any mother could care for a child, healthy or not. 

Because of the struggle I remember from the first few months with Evan, I keep asking myself "Can it really be this simple?"  Not that parenthood in any way shape or form is simple... But I keep looking over my shoulder thinking surely I'm missing something here- this is going way too smoothly, I MUST be doing something wrong and not realizing it! 

Of course, when I have a quiet house like I do at this moment, when both my children are napping (Evan in his bed, Kayla on me), I am hard pressed to find any fault. 

Evan has been adjusting.  It hasn't been easy, and my heart aches for him when he gets upset about Momma's lap being taken by his baby sister.  

On the other hand, his expressions when she is crying are FANTASTIC.  

Finally, though, I feel like we're striking a good balance between giving Kayla what she needs and Evan what he needs.  He has resumed eating orally, which is such a relief. He's enjoying real foods, so mostly I feed him off my plate- which kills two birds with one stone because I frequently get too busy and forget to eat, so if he is eating what I eat, I'll HAVE to make time to get something for myself.  Ha-HA.

We'll have good days and bad days, but one thing I'm confident in is that my babies will be loved always and will know it every day.  

We're doing okay. 

Welcome home

We're so happy to welcome our sweet baby girl Kayla home!

Quick info-

Kayla was born on April 30th at 7:37 AM, via scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. She was 8 lbs 7 oz, 19.75 inches long! Such a big girl!

Hearing her cry was the absolute most beautiful sound. We're so proud of her.

And guess who started walking unassisted not 2 hours after his baby sister was born! My super kid, Evan!
He was showing off while I was recovering after the c-section.

Of course we're busy, but we're loving having two spectacular kids. My heart is full.

Life gets rescheduled

I'll just start this blog post off with this warning: I'm at the end of my rope and my filter is sadly missing.

Our c-section date was pushed back to 39 weeks because there wasn't a good medical reason to go at 37. Never mind the almost non stop contractions (which are nonproductive by the way), and the fact that at 36 weeks this girl's weight was estimated to already be 7 1/2 pounds!! No no no, can't be done! I get to do this for two more weeks!

Ladies and gentlemen, I cried like a baby. Between REALLY wanting to meet her and REALLY REALLY wanting this torturous pregnancy to end.... I. Broke. Down.

It just wasn't fair, I said to myself! My husband tried to console me that at least we knew she would be big and healthy.
Tears streaming down my face, nose clogged, I yell back "Then YOU DO IT!"
Rationality had checked out for the day.

I have had so many episodes of "false labor", I feel like I should have birthed this child half a dozen times.

I should be HAPPY. Evan was early, and had all his issues, and we have none of that this time around.

But I keep hoping I just go ahead and go into real labor, because I am so over this pregnancy and the false labor!

I feel like a gambler at a craps table, rolling the dice and yelling "Momma needs to have this baby!" And always losing.


And my poor little fella... Evan is just so awesome. I feel tons of guilt for being unable to do all the things he really needs me to do, like get down and play with him. Or take him to the park.
He's been a champ, though. We've gotten him to go to sleep on his own at night. He's working on drinking from an AWESOME sippy cup that actually works for him.... He's walking, but is still so cautious, and wants support.
HE LOVES BEING OUTSIDE!
He's doing good, I just wish I could work more with him.

That being said, even though I may whine and cry about being pregnant for two more weeks whilst enduring all the joys of false labor that feels like real labor.... I'm content as long as baby girl comes when she's supposed to.

Ginormous!

I am ginormous. I am 34 weeks pregnant, and doing well..... EXCEPT for too frequent contractions. I actually went in to the hospital a few days ago because I thought I was possibly in early labor. Turns out, my body just likes messing with me, and they put me on a medication to hopefully help the contractions ease up.

Luckily, we now know we have a 99% of making it to 36 weeks!
The c-section is being scheduled for sometime around 37 weeks. So little miss priss will be here around April 15th-19th!
That's only 3 weeks (or less) away!!!!

Evan is doing very well, he walked 8-9 steps on his own!!!! He just likes having support because he doesn't have the confidence to try it on his own most times, but he's walking!
He also is doing great eating big boy foods. He frequently demands to eat off Daddy's plate. :-)

We took Evan to the zoo last weekend, and had a really good time. He has been enjoying outside so much, he cries when we take him inside lately!!

I am learning to let him stay overnight with his grandparents. We're having him stay for a second time this weekend so that I can have some much needed rest. Unfortunately between Evan and the almost incessant contractions, I've been running very short of sleep for over a week. Thank goodness for grandparents!

Time keeps flying

I have to admit, the time keeps slipping away from me!

I am so immersed in day to day tasks with Evan that I'm constantly surprised when I stop to reflect where I stand.

Do you know that we are less than a month away from celebrating the first anniversary of Evan's homecoming after he spent his first 8 months in the hospital?
Seriously, a YEAR! He has come so far in that time, and it's definitely a milestone worth celebrating.

I am always going to remember his first year in three parts: NICU, TCU, and home. We spent roughly 4 months on each stage, and each had its own challenges and ups and downs.
He's talking, he's almost walking on his own, he's interacting..... My goodness, he is so very sweet to people! His personality just makes me swell with pride because he is so mellow and sweet, and smart!
He still has delays, but he's overcoming them one by one.
We're going through *that* phase where he thinks throwing a tantrum might get him what he wants when he's denied something. But that's NORMAL, and we like seeing even that! Besides, his overall attitude is so sweet, he'll outgrow that phase soon enough.

Another thing about time.... Pregnancy only lasts for a limited time! We are at 31 weeks, and planning on a c-section at 37 or 38. I have 6-7 weeks MAX left. Wow!
Of course, I am anticipating going into labor, much like I did with Evan. I was 35 weeks with him. And that particular mark is just 4 weeks away...... (GULP!!) Of course we hope for 37-38 weeks, but I'm preparing myself for earlier.

I admit I've had a hard time enjoying my pregnancy. It's been difficult after everything we went through with Evan to to let go and BE pregnant and happily anticipating a baby.
That's something I believe a lot of people don't realize- when you see a mother that has either had a child with a medical condition or one that lost her child, it's difficult for her to move on and really enjoy things.
Add to that the sometimes hurtful attitudes of others, and you have a recipe for a pretty bummed out pregnancy.
People don't always know they're being hurtful, but oftentimes we mothers are forced to put a happy face on everything during our first pregnancy that resulted in a child with a medical condition, and so all the "normal" things such as baby showers are less than joyous for us because of our worry. After all, if you're not sure what the outcome will be for your child, how fun is it to be showered with gifts that you have to consider taking back if the worst does occur?
And so, with a second "normal" healthy pregnancy, what do you do? You've already been "celebrated" for having a baby by friends and family. It's no big deal you're having another child, right?

Add to that, the very real effects of the trauma of everything that mother went through before. We are very aware of everything that can go wrong. We worry. We worry about premature birth, about bringing a newborn home when we have never dealt with that! We worry about how we're going to handle the emotions and the new experiences, and about all the normal things.
We worry about what might have been missed during prenatal testing. "What if my child has something they missed?" we ask ourselves. How are we going to handle another stay in the NICU if it's necessary? Will going into labor or having another c-section bring back the worst memories of what should have been a happy day?

In the end, we pretty much tend to blame ourselves for what happened with our children, if anything out of the ordinary occurs during pregnancy. The doctors can all repeatedly say it's nothing we did or wrong with us, and we 'll nod and say "of course." But we still feel guilty. As a mother, you are responsible for growing and sheltering a little person in your body- if something went wrong once that hurt your baby, you tend to blame the "environment" your baby was in. It's not really rational, but it somehow makes perfect sense.

I'm not just expressing my own fears and worries here, but those of other moms with similar experiences as well.

I think it's important to shed some light on this subject, for both people in general and other moms who have gone through having a child with medical issues.

Personally, I'm not that comfortable being "celebrated" by a group of people. I am not nostalgic for another baby shower.
I know I'm going to be a mess the day I have her, and I try not to borrow trouble. There are days that works, but until she gets here, I can't let myself relax enough to be really really happy. I love her and want her safe, but I can't anticipate things until I hear her cry and see her with my own eyes.

And that's kind of a bummer. But you know what? It's perfectly okay to feel this way after everything we've been through. Other mothers need to know this, because the only thing worse than feeling this way during a pregnancy is to feel this way and isolated and alone.

Lil' Bitty Update

As always, Evan continues to make progress. He's really thinking about taking those first few steps, it won't be long now. Honestly, his progress lately has been pretty steady in everything. Makes for a boring blog update, I admit.

So lets discuss our upcoming addition.
I've been calling her "Lil Bit" for a long time, but we have decided to name her Kayla Marie. :-)
I'm 27 weeks, hitting that 3rd trimester, and everything is looking good. We visited the maternal fetal medicine specialist yesterday and I'm doing so well, they don't want to see me again. :-) Much as I love our doctor there, I'm okay with that.

We got some great ultrasound pics of little miss- she had her foot on her forehead.
She is breech at the moment, but that's not really a concern because we're doing a repeat c-section.
We are still monitoring me for premature labor, but everything is looking so good, we're not concerned about it happening in the next few weeks... I went into labor with Evan at 35 weeks. I'll be pleased as punch if we make it to that point, although I hope we can make it to 39 weeks.