I am so immersed in day to day tasks with Evan that I'm constantly surprised when I stop to reflect where I stand.
Do you know that we are less than a month away from celebrating the first anniversary of Evan's homecoming after he spent his first 8 months in the hospital?
Seriously, a YEAR! He has come so far in that time, and it's definitely a milestone worth celebrating.
I am always going to remember his first year in three parts: NICU, TCU, and home. We spent roughly 4 months on each stage, and each had its own challenges and ups and downs.
He's talking, he's almost walking on his own, he's interacting..... My goodness, he is so very sweet to people! His personality just makes me swell with pride because he is so mellow and sweet, and smart!
He still has delays, but he's overcoming them one by one.
We're going through *that* phase where he thinks throwing a tantrum might get him what he wants when he's denied something. But that's NORMAL, and we like seeing even that! Besides, his overall attitude is so sweet, he'll outgrow that phase soon enough.
Another thing about time.... Pregnancy only lasts for a limited time! We are at 31 weeks, and planning on a c-section at 37 or 38. I have 6-7 weeks MAX left. Wow!
Of course, I am anticipating going into labor, much like I did with Evan. I was 35 weeks with him. And that particular mark is just 4 weeks away...... (GULP!!) Of course we hope for 37-38 weeks, but I'm preparing myself for earlier.
I admit I've had a hard time enjoying my pregnancy. It's been difficult after everything we went through with Evan to to let go and BE pregnant and happily anticipating a baby.
That's something I believe a lot of people don't realize- when you see a mother that has either had a child with a medical condition or one that lost her child, it's difficult for her to move on and really enjoy things.
Add to that the sometimes hurtful attitudes of others, and you have a recipe for a pretty bummed out pregnancy.
People don't always know they're being hurtful, but oftentimes we mothers are forced to put a happy face on everything during our first pregnancy that resulted in a child with a medical condition, and so all the "normal" things such as baby showers are less than joyous for us because of our worry. After all, if you're not sure what the outcome will be for your child, how fun is it to be showered with gifts that you have to consider taking back if the worst does occur?
And so, with a second "normal" healthy pregnancy, what do you do? You've already been "celebrated" for having a baby by friends and family. It's no big deal you're having another child, right?
Add to that, the very real effects of the trauma of everything that mother went through before. We are very aware of everything that can go wrong. We worry. We worry about premature birth, about bringing a newborn home when we have never dealt with that! We worry about how we're going to handle the emotions and the new experiences, and about all the normal things.
We worry about what might have been missed during prenatal testing. "What if my child has something they missed?" we ask ourselves. How are we going to handle another stay in the NICU if it's necessary? Will going into labor or having another c-section bring back the worst memories of what should have been a happy day?
In the end, we pretty much tend to blame ourselves for what happened with our children, if anything out of the ordinary occurs during pregnancy. The doctors can all repeatedly say it's nothing we did or wrong with us, and we 'll nod and say "of course." But we still feel guilty. As a mother, you are responsible for growing and sheltering a little person in your body- if something went wrong once that hurt your baby, you tend to blame the "environment" your baby was in. It's not really rational, but it somehow makes perfect sense.
I'm not just expressing my own fears and worries here, but those of other moms with similar experiences as well.
I think it's important to shed some light on this subject, for both people in general and other moms who have gone through having a child with medical issues.
Personally, I'm not that comfortable being "celebrated" by a group of people. I am not nostalgic for another baby shower.
I know I'm going to be a mess the day I have her, and I try not to borrow trouble. There are days that works, but until she gets here, I can't let myself relax enough to be really really happy. I love her and want her safe, but I can't anticipate things until I hear her cry and see her with my own eyes.
And that's kind of a bummer. But you know what? It's perfectly okay to feel this way after everything we've been through. Other mothers need to know this, because the only thing worse than feeling this way during a pregnancy is to feel this way and isolated and alone.
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