Decisions

I have come to make a lot of really tough decisions in my life ever since we found out we were pregnant with Evan.  The road has been pretty bumpy for the past 2 years, and I can only hope that the decisions I have made were not mistakes and maybe even made the road a little less difficult.

Two big developments arose recently- I found out I am pregnant again, and I received a job offer. 
If it was just one or the other, I'm sure I would not have been as stressed, but because it was both, I had some tough decisions to make once again.  I asked myself so many questions- Would it be beneficial for Evan to go to daycare at this time?  Is this the job I want?  Don't we need the extra income? 

After weighing the pros and cons, and tightening our belts, I decided reluctantly that I would take the job, enroll Evan in a daycare, and hope he didn't regress too much.  Mostly, I took the job because I knew I would need the insurance... More than half my paycheck would be going just to daycare, let alone expenses for commuting, so my actual income after that would be slight.  Again, another previous decision that we made- it was just too expensive to add me onto my husband's insurance, so I've been doing without.  Suddenly, that seems like a poor decision once you turn up pregnant unexpectedly. 

I jumped through all the pre-employment hoops.  I interviewed daycares.  I compared costs.  I filled out paperwork, and trained the daycare on Evan's g-button feeding.   I experimented with foods that would not make my morning sickness worse- all with no result, it just got so bad, I could barely stand to drink water. 

Finally, Sunday came, and I had everything set up to take Evan to daycare in the morning, and go to my first day.  Unfortunately, Evan had been congested for a few days, which I attributed to allergies.  But it got so bad Sunday night, he woke up and cried and threw up everywhere.
I was so upset at the thought of him being sick, and me having to start work. 
I started thinking about how much money would be spent on daycare, and how often he would get sick, and how much I would miss out on.  Would they really work with him on eating?  Would they make progress on his crawling, walking, etc?  And what about when the new baby came?  Was it really worth it to go to work for 7-8 months, just to take at least 6 weeks off to recover from another c-section?  Would I have a position if I took that long off?  Would I be able to afford daycare for both Evan and the new baby? 
Would it really be worth it for the small amount I would be making each month after initial expenses to miss out on Evan and all his progress?  Was this a fair trade?

I asked myself these questions while Evan was awake, and as I went to sleep.  And then the morning came. 

No.

Just, no. 

It's not worth it to me. 

So I called and emailed the people I needed to.  And I refused the job offer. 


Of course, after making a decision like that, knowing I need the insurance and the extra income, I have to question myself. 
Did I do the right thing? 

I suppose we'll see. 

At least I got Evan to the doctor and got him some antibiotics for his super-duper snot-making powers.  Seriously.  TONS.